So Wallie, my husband, decides it’s time for us to have a date night. He of course picks the movies. He can be so romantic and unpredictable…NOT!
Oh the Movies, who doesn’t like to go to the movies, he says.
Well, to be honest, me. I really don’t like to go. But yet there I am, climbing over a row of people who give me dirty looks because we weren’t a half hour early like them.
Plus, if they just moved into the middle of the row then we wouldn’t be where we are with me saying ‘excuse me’ as I step on their feet and they kick me as I climb over them. I know their tricks.
Everyone has to have the ‘ailse’ for the ‘just in case’ they have to go to the bathroom after they drink a 40lb cup of diet coke.
So why do I keep going? Well, you see Wallie loves the movies. He tells me all the time. WHen I ask him to explain what it is that he likes about it, he says, it’s a ‘community thing’. He says, ‘its an experinece to see a movie with everyone’. I guess if you like people it might be worth the 100 bucks to see it.
Yep, I said 100 bucks. I did the math. From gas, parking (don’t get me started on that) popcorn (jumbo size because you can never have enough) the big gulp, to wash down your jumbo size popcorn and then another trip up to get your snow cones. Oh, of course the price of the movie which in all honesty, if we just wait two more weeks it comes out on DVD and we can watch it for a buck.
BUT NOOO!!!!!!!! Wallie insists that it’s a night out. So off we go to sit in a dark room so we are with the ‘people’ sharing in the experience.
The paper says the movie starts at 8:00pm. After all these years, you would think that I know the movie theatres are just a bunch of liars. The movie NEVER starts at 8:00pm, more like 8:30pm because we have to sit through a half hour of soon-to-be-released movies because they know they have us trapped and we are forced to sit through them, expecially if you do not have an isle sit.
So as Wallie and I walked in theatre 8 , Wallie stops and looks at the crowd towering above us. He has to find the perfect seat. It really is like a game for him. I on the other hand don’t appreciate a crowd of 200 people staring down at us praying that we don’t sit next to them.
So after we climbed over the people with their loud obnoxious sighing, (yea I heard you) we finally sit down in our seats. Wallie and I do the elbow fight over the arm rest because the people next us clearly have taken ownership of the other arm rests.
As I stare at the screen, Wallie and I love to guess the answers to the movie trivia. I have to say, that I always get them right, and Wallie, God bless him, never gets one answer right. As we discuss the question, the people in back of us shush us.
Really? The lights aren’t even turned off yet. My rule is that everyone can talk until the lights go off, then it’s quiet time. I mean really, I find it rude for people to talk during the ‘soon-to-be-releases’.
As the trivia game starts to ask the same questions, I get bored, and Wallie, well, he continues to keep guessing. (He still gets them wrong by the way).
As I sit and observe the movie goers in my seat, I pray that I don’t have to go to the bathroom in the next few hours. Trust me; you don’t want to climb over those people again.
As the lights turned down I scout the audience and can see the glow from the teenager’s cellphones as they create one more text to send to the person next to them.
As the previews start, the food comes out. People stuffing their faces with all their snacks.
The person next to me starts to eat her cheese nachos.
Can I just stop for a moment and say whose bright idea was it to offer heated cheese nachos in a dark movie theater? Has anyone ever smelt rotted old cheese? Me either, but I’m pretty sure it’s the smell I am currently smelling in the stinky movie theatre.
I look over at Wallie as he sits with this big huge bucket of popcorn on his lap and offers me some. “uh, no thanks, I’m good”
Since when did going to the movies go hand in hand with disgusting fattening foods? Everyone seems to be munching on something.
You know, there really aren’t that many great movies that you really need to leave the house for. I mean when you really stop and think about it, y ou have a clean bathroom to use, a kitchen right next to you, you can even ‘pause’ the movie if you need to go walk the dog or go get a human size 8oz. glass of soda. There are no loud talkers, no glow from cell phones and no one giving you the evil eye when you have to climb over them to get to your seat.
I remember when movies were shown on the ‘big screen’, but those days are long gone, they have taken those movie theatres and turned them into 12 little theatres and I swear to you, the screens are the are the same size of our own TV. Wallie keeps telling me they are not, but I know, I measured them with my ruler once.
So as Wallie and I sat through a half hour of previews of Ninjas, jumping up and kicking each other, it happened, I started to feel like I needed to go to the bathroom.
Do I go now or try to hold it in? I knew I couldn’t hold it in for the next few hours so I decided to go.
excue me excuse me excuse me, Evil eye, evil eye, I see you.
Upon returning, I realized the movie had already started and the theatre was pitch black. As I looked up in the crowded theater, I couldn’t see where Wallie was sitting.
I stood there for a few seconds till someone told me to move because apparently they couldn’t see the screen. I didnt realize that I gained so much weight that I covered the whole screen.
So I decided to jump in the nearest seat that I could find.
As I titled my head up in the front row, knowing full well I would have a major neck cramp for the next few days, I knew that I will never go to the movies again. It just isn’t fun for me.
When the movie ended, I found Wallie. He said,
“Wasn’t that great?”
“Wallie, did you even notice I wasn’t there? “
“uh, yea, where did you go?”
Yep, nothing like a nice date night. He didn’t even save me any popcorn.